On the topic of NG/CA, I think your concerns and experiences are 100% valid. Like I said, I think it is pushed way to hard as “the way to meet girls”, when actual success rates are rock bottom. I think you are holding on to some limiting beliefs on this front, but at the same time, I don’t think they are worth addressing at the moment. You’d do much better focusing on SC and OLD. If you wanna try to pick up girls in the club - at any age - I think it is possible and I think you have a shot if you put the work in. But it’s inefficient and there are easier ways to meet girls that won’t fuck up your circadian rhythm. It sounds like you don’t wanna do that, so good! Don’t do that. Same with CA.
Also, you hit the nail on the head with how dating advice is doled out. It is at once extremely generalizable and extremely specific to the individual.
On the other hand, you say you lack a good social circle, and in my opinion, that will be a big hurdle you will have trouble avoiding. I would like to gently recommend that you consider that you might not be as introverted as you think you are, but that you feel introverted because of your social anxiety. That your social battery doesn’t run low just because that is the way you are, but because it is draining to feel anxious and to hide yourself and to feel like you will be judged and rejected in social situations. This isn’t to say that you need to spend every minute of every day out meeting with people - but you seem you almost seem committed to not being social. And the reality is… women want to date guys who have friends. They want to date guys who have a good social support system outside of them, so they don’t become the guy’s emotional dumping ground. The friends you have and your ability to make new friends has a huge impact on where you will be able to go in life, your success in your career, your ability to take care of yourself, etc. Humans are social animals, and not being social at all is going to be a big red flag to a lot of women.
I 100% support you seeing a sex therapist. Professionals exist for a reason. I wouldn’t depend on your therapist to solve all your problems - you have to be the captain of your own ship - but therapy definitely sounds like a piece of the puzzle for you.
As far as the 15 years spent on lifestyle - I think you can do it faster. What those years were spent on were overcoming social anxiety, building a community of supportive friends, establishing habits around diet and exercise, getting my career to the place where I didn’t hate my job, finding hobbies I enjoyed and getting good at them, and then also a lot of pointless floundering. I got myself from being completely isolated, hopeless, and depressed, to being hopeful and somewhat happy, with communities based around things that I found personally meaningful. Ie, I created a life that some women would find interesting and want to be part of. So when I actually buckled down and made a tinder profile, I was already pretty fit and had cool hobbies to show off and a good lifestyle to talk about.
In terms of meeting people and stuff, this is one problem: I kinda had to ditch many old ‘friends’ because they weren’t really friends. I barely knew them and the one girl I did date did ask me why I was hanging out with those people when they clearly didn’t give a fuck about me. What happened at that time is that I did some drinking prior to going to that event with them, and while it was far from my first time drinking, the alcohol hit me really hard for some reason and I wasn’t looking and feeling good. Despite being visibly unwell, no one asked me if I was doing OK or even had any visible reaction to me. This did not sit well with her at all.
And yes, that ‘circle’ of mine was very offputting for her and she did mention to me that I didn’t seem to have any friends. The thing is… I wasn’t really aware of it at that time. Like I said, I had one HELL of an abusive upbringing that I wasn’t even aware of just how abusive it was until well after the time it was gone.
This isn’t to say I cannot build a social circle or a better life. I think I absolutely can. But here’s the thing: I have a lifetime of doing things solo and I am quite comfortable with that. Also I do have a lot of support at my job. I work at a place specifically made for people with disabilities to accommodate them. I had really hard times making friends in the past and I didn’t really know what being friends was with people. I got taken advantage of too much by some individuals and that really got me wary of a lot of shit.
I am trying to rebuild my life, and part of it has to involve (early on… as early as possible actually) to get a girlfriend. I always keep a small circle of friends when I do have them and I would rather keep it that way. I am picky about that for a reason. I want to convey that, no I will not be using her as an emotional dumping ground. That’s just not style. It never was.
On the topic of NG/CA, I think your concerns and experiences are 100% valid. Like I said, I think it is pushed way to hard as “the way to meet girls”, when actual success rates are rock bottom. I think you are holding on to some limiting beliefs on this front, but at the same time, I don’t think they are worth addressing at the moment. You’d do much better focusing on SC and OLD. If you wanna try to pick up girls in the club - at any age - I think it is possible and I think you have a shot if you put the work in. But it’s inefficient and there are easier ways to meet girls that won’t fuck up your circadian rhythm. It sounds like you don’t wanna do that, so good! Don’t do that. Same with CA.
Also, you hit the nail on the head with how dating advice is doled out. It is at once extremely generalizable and extremely specific to the individual.
On the other hand, you say you lack a good social circle, and in my opinion, that will be a big hurdle you will have trouble avoiding. I would like to gently recommend that you consider that you might not be as introverted as you think you are, but that you feel introverted because of your social anxiety. That your social battery doesn’t run low just because that is the way you are, but because it is draining to feel anxious and to hide yourself and to feel like you will be judged and rejected in social situations. This isn’t to say that you need to spend every minute of every day out meeting with people - but you seem you almost seem committed to not being social. And the reality is… women want to date guys who have friends. They want to date guys who have a good social support system outside of them, so they don’t become the guy’s emotional dumping ground. The friends you have and your ability to make new friends has a huge impact on where you will be able to go in life, your success in your career, your ability to take care of yourself, etc. Humans are social animals, and not being social at all is going to be a big red flag to a lot of women.
I 100% support you seeing a sex therapist. Professionals exist for a reason. I wouldn’t depend on your therapist to solve all your problems - you have to be the captain of your own ship - but therapy definitely sounds like a piece of the puzzle for you.
As far as the 15 years spent on lifestyle - I think you can do it faster. What those years were spent on were overcoming social anxiety, building a community of supportive friends, establishing habits around diet and exercise, getting my career to the place where I didn’t hate my job, finding hobbies I enjoyed and getting good at them, and then also a lot of pointless floundering. I got myself from being completely isolated, hopeless, and depressed, to being hopeful and somewhat happy, with communities based around things that I found personally meaningful. Ie, I created a life that some women would find interesting and want to be part of. So when I actually buckled down and made a tinder profile, I was already pretty fit and had cool hobbies to show off and a good lifestyle to talk about.
I’ll dm you the tinder guide.
In terms of meeting people and stuff, this is one problem: I kinda had to ditch many old ‘friends’ because they weren’t really friends. I barely knew them and the one girl I did date did ask me why I was hanging out with those people when they clearly didn’t give a fuck about me. What happened at that time is that I did some drinking prior to going to that event with them, and while it was far from my first time drinking, the alcohol hit me really hard for some reason and I wasn’t looking and feeling good. Despite being visibly unwell, no one asked me if I was doing OK or even had any visible reaction to me. This did not sit well with her at all.
And yes, that ‘circle’ of mine was very offputting for her and she did mention to me that I didn’t seem to have any friends. The thing is… I wasn’t really aware of it at that time. Like I said, I had one HELL of an abusive upbringing that I wasn’t even aware of just how abusive it was until well after the time it was gone.
This isn’t to say I cannot build a social circle or a better life. I think I absolutely can. But here’s the thing: I have a lifetime of doing things solo and I am quite comfortable with that. Also I do have a lot of support at my job. I work at a place specifically made for people with disabilities to accommodate them. I had really hard times making friends in the past and I didn’t really know what being friends was with people. I got taken advantage of too much by some individuals and that really got me wary of a lot of shit.
I am trying to rebuild my life, and part of it has to involve (early on… as early as possible actually) to get a girlfriend. I always keep a small circle of friends when I do have them and I would rather keep it that way. I am picky about that for a reason. I want to convey that, no I will not be using her as an emotional dumping ground. That’s just not style. It never was.