I offer an alternative service to having a wallet. I securely hold on to the contents of it and let you use the cards in it whenever you want, helps protect from theft, etc.

Oh you don’t want to use this service because there’s no need for someone else to have access to your wallet? What are you hiding? Clearly you’d be using the service if you weren’t also doing something illegal.

I’d extend the metaphor further to highlight that there’s no such thing as a secure backdoor, but this is just the same shit police-state authoritarianism we’ve been seeing grow in the UK since Thatcher—surveil fucking everyone, in every way possible whilst they do absolutely anything; because you’re not a citizen, you’re just a criminal or potential criminal.

And we’ve got a load of shitty news outlets making idiots clap every time their rights are eroded, because this time it’ll stop the paedos and terrorists for good. Like all the other times.