There’s this rising narrative going around that if you ask specifically for a CIS partner, you’re a transphobe. That could be true for some people but it’s not fundamentally related to bigotry. Moreover, this narrative, the “if you only want a CIS mate then that is prejudice” is trampling on one of the most important rights a person can have: the right to choose who they want to get intimate with.
First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women. Let’s get that out of the way. This isn’t a foot in the door for “trans this really isn’t that” narratives. What this is about it is the freedom to choose who you want to be intimate with. That right is sancrosanct, it is absolutely inviolable.
And yes, there’s plenty of issues that make transgender dating a special issue. If someone reveals their TG status they can be open to hate crimes and even deadly violence. However all marginalized groups are special in their own way. As a black man I don’t think it’s racist if a woman says she doesn’t want to date a black man. I face oppression, too. My class is special in its own way. One group isn’t more special than the other. None of us have the right to force ourselves upon those who don’t want to be intimate with us, even by omitting who we really are.
Really, if you have to deceive or hide who you are in order to date someone, do you really want to date them? I wouldn’t. That’s not fair to you and you’re denying them their right to choose who they want. What do you think will happen when the person wants a CIS mate and they discover the truth? They’re going to get pissed and dump you. Now you have to shame them into staying with you: “If you loved me for real this wouldn’t bother you”… that’s not going to convince anyone. They’re either going to leave, or they’ll resent you forever. That’s just how it is. You can be mad at that but that’s about as effective as protesting the rising of the sun. There’s just no way to win once you’ve gone down that road.
“I want a CIS mate” is not the same as “trans women are not women” - one is a preference, the other is harmful prejudice. On the flip side CIS people who do date trans people shouldn’t be shamed for their choices either. A man should be free to date a trans woman and not catch flak about it. Trans people should be able to be openly trans and not face hate speech or threats to their well-being. This, without any exception whatsoever.
The fundamental fact is when you shame or worse abrogate people’s right to choose who they want to get intimate with, it’s not going to end well for you. All you’re going to get is people who resent being coerced or bullied to date people they don’t want to. And that’s not something the country, or the world, will ever put up with. Except that right now, most people don’t imagine they can be labeled a transphobe just for wanting a CIS mate. And unpopular opinion: that should be nipped in the bud.
Am I weird in that I think it’s weird to announce that kind of thing on a dating profile? Like, I’m on all the dating apps and people generally don’t get access to me until there’s a mutual agreement to match, right? Unless you’re swiping on everyone or they’re actively trying to hide it, are you matching with a lot of trans folk? Are you so inundated by these matches that you feel the need to announce these preferences up front? I can’t imagine it’s so many that you can’t just have a polite conversation when it comes up and explain the preference? It’s the whole need to announce it, knowing how it could come off, that makes people question the intent. If you were at the bar and someone you’re attracted to comes up to talk, do you stop them and say “before you go any further, know that I only date cis people.”?
Many of your points here are spot on. There’s not a lot of trans people as a percentage of the populace. Maybe like 2-3% tops, so you’re right, you’re not going to run into hordes of trans people while swiping. And many of those do NOT want to hide who they are short term and are loathe to just up and hide it from a date long term. Let’s make it clear there’s no movement to trick people into dating trans people, to *further *derail any right wingers reading this to get their rageohol fix.
You are also right about the etiquette of it all. Tact and timing are important. “Before you go any further I only date cis people” is idiocy. But the fact is a lot of people do not want to date trans people and that’s their right. We have to come to a happy medium where we respect that but (to address your legit and underlying concern) don’t also let this “trans people are everywhere looking to trick us into dating them OMFG RUNNNNN!!” hysteria genie out of the bottle. I am definitely NOT here to foment that.
I’m here reading comments just to get a better understanding of a topic I’ve never really thought much about (haven’t been in the dating world for a long while) but I just had to stop and comment, I’m loving the positive and constructive discussion there is here.