Hey, I am relatively young, so take this as the experience with the appropriated doubt.
Confidence will betray you if you aren’t confident. If you think that you are a man not better or worse than others with a partner, then maybe it is difficult to find confidence in that. But that is why you have to do what we all are doing … Look at the things that you are better at than most.
Personally, I know a fair bit about computers. So I take pride in that. Sure, others are probably better at it than me but I am better than most.
Now, being good with computers and knowing a lot about them is generally not what people want to talk about. But that is the neat thing… You don’t have to. I know that I am. I communicate that I am and tell them that I am open to talk about it but as usually people aren’t into it, I won’t start that topic.
That means for me 2 things, 1. My selling point is not my confidence, skill or value. My selling point is me. Either they want me or they don’t. My value is outside anything and everything that they judge. I know my value. And they see it or they don’t. 2. I don’t need to show off what I am confident in.
Those 2 things give me confidence in dating. I don’t have confidence that they want to pull me into their bed. I have confidence in myself and my value.
My gf loves me. I don’t always understand why but she seems really committed. Something about me, that I don’t know and have no confidence in, she is in love with. But that is not an issue, I can love myself for reasons different to her reasons to love me.
Confidence is important because it changes how you behave. Behavior with confidence tend to be more honest in practice. You don’t overthink whether or not to text and ask them out. You aren’t scared of losing this opportunity and feel like a white lie to save the opportunity is worth it. It gives you the ability to communicate in certainty. You say what you mean. And an “I love you” is much more appealing when there is no doubt about the truth of it. Also if your plan is a long life together… Hiding doesn’t work for 20 years.
I get what you’re saying, but as a relentlessly intellectual person, I have to point out that it’s not one’s attitude or internal feeling that makes “confidence” a successful romantic strategy. To make this obvious, say, for example, I know who I am and what I want, and I know my value, and I go to a party and sit quietly in the corner waiting for everybody to recognize it. That actually might work for exceptionally physically-attractive people: “Ooh— who’s that mysterious stranger over there? I wanna find out more about him!” For most of us, it would result in being ignored or just left alone. It’s not enough to feel it, confidence must ultimately be performed somehow.
And, even when it’s performed, it depends a great deal on the other person’s perception. We can probably all think of examples of people who have unwarranted confidence in themselves, the people who know in their hearts with much conviction that they are the greatest, while the rest of us just see them as pathetic or annoying. In a romantic context, he’s the guy at the bar who just knows that the women want to sleep with him. If they do, we can say that he was confident. If they don’t, we can try to rationalize it by saying that he’s unattractive because he was actually deeply insecure and try-hard, but I think that’s just the No True Scotsman Fallacy.
That’s why I say that I think that attractiveness is actually an important root of romantic success. If you exceed the attractiveness bar (which, yes, doesn’t have to be that high), then “confidence” can be performed as aloofness (“he knows what he’s worth”), or as a very direct approach (“he knows what he wants”). If you don’t meet the standard, then an aloof attitude just means you blend into the background, and the direct approach means you’re the annoying guy at the bar.
If you know your worth and you want to meet people, you don’t sit in the corner waiting for someone to see it.
A confident person does what they believe will lead to success. They take their shot and they will miss more often than not, but they hit at times.
A confident person doesn’t care if people are weirdos about them taking a shot. Because they are confident enough to see that the weirdos are the ones that think it is weird to attempt for love.
Confidence is not being the loudest voice, and taking up space. Confidence is to accept disharmony, if they are right.
Competence is way more attractive than confidence. Guys who are good at something, that really is often so hot. Confidence can be attractive if it’s the kind that is not brash or cocky, some guys are just self-accepting in a way that lets them be accepting of other people, if that makes sense. That kind of confidence is comfortable, it puts people at ease.
Oh I completely agree! I think “competence” is a good source of confidence as it is so independent of so much other stuff. the brash or cocky level of confidence seems fake to me. So when I talk about confidence, I mean self-acceptance and self-appreciation.
Hey, I am relatively young, so take this as the experience with the appropriated doubt.
Confidence will betray you if you aren’t confident. If you think that you are a man not better or worse than others with a partner, then maybe it is difficult to find confidence in that. But that is why you have to do what we all are doing … Look at the things that you are better at than most.
Personally, I know a fair bit about computers. So I take pride in that. Sure, others are probably better at it than me but I am better than most.
Now, being good with computers and knowing a lot about them is generally not what people want to talk about. But that is the neat thing… You don’t have to. I know that I am. I communicate that I am and tell them that I am open to talk about it but as usually people aren’t into it, I won’t start that topic.
That means for me 2 things, 1. My selling point is not my confidence, skill or value. My selling point is me. Either they want me or they don’t. My value is outside anything and everything that they judge. I know my value. And they see it or they don’t. 2. I don’t need to show off what I am confident in.
Those 2 things give me confidence in dating. I don’t have confidence that they want to pull me into their bed. I have confidence in myself and my value.
My gf loves me. I don’t always understand why but she seems really committed. Something about me, that I don’t know and have no confidence in, she is in love with. But that is not an issue, I can love myself for reasons different to her reasons to love me.
Confidence is important because it changes how you behave. Behavior with confidence tend to be more honest in practice. You don’t overthink whether or not to text and ask them out. You aren’t scared of losing this opportunity and feel like a white lie to save the opportunity is worth it. It gives you the ability to communicate in certainty. You say what you mean. And an “I love you” is much more appealing when there is no doubt about the truth of it. Also if your plan is a long life together… Hiding doesn’t work for 20 years.
I get what you’re saying, but as a relentlessly intellectual person, I have to point out that it’s not one’s attitude or internal feeling that makes “confidence” a successful romantic strategy. To make this obvious, say, for example, I know who I am and what I want, and I know my value, and I go to a party and sit quietly in the corner waiting for everybody to recognize it. That actually might work for exceptionally physically-attractive people: “Ooh— who’s that mysterious stranger over there? I wanna find out more about him!” For most of us, it would result in being ignored or just left alone. It’s not enough to feel it, confidence must ultimately be performed somehow.
And, even when it’s performed, it depends a great deal on the other person’s perception. We can probably all think of examples of people who have unwarranted confidence in themselves, the people who know in their hearts with much conviction that they are the greatest, while the rest of us just see them as pathetic or annoying. In a romantic context, he’s the guy at the bar who just knows that the women want to sleep with him. If they do, we can say that he was confident. If they don’t, we can try to rationalize it by saying that he’s unattractive because he was actually deeply insecure and try-hard, but I think that’s just the No True Scotsman Fallacy.
That’s why I say that I think that attractiveness is actually an important root of romantic success. If you exceed the attractiveness bar (which, yes, doesn’t have to be that high), then “confidence” can be performed as aloofness (“he knows what he’s worth”), or as a very direct approach (“he knows what he wants”). If you don’t meet the standard, then an aloof attitude just means you blend into the background, and the direct approach means you’re the annoying guy at the bar.
If you know your worth and you want to meet people, you don’t sit in the corner waiting for someone to see it.
A confident person does what they believe will lead to success. They take their shot and they will miss more often than not, but they hit at times.
A confident person doesn’t care if people are weirdos about them taking a shot. Because they are confident enough to see that the weirdos are the ones that think it is weird to attempt for love.
Confidence is not being the loudest voice, and taking up space. Confidence is to accept disharmony, if they are right.
Yup, confidence is a performance, not a feeling.
Nah it is a feeling. It just impacts your behavior. Like fear impacts your behavior, or anger… Or hunger…
“Confidence” in the context of romantic success, I mean.
Competence is way more attractive than confidence. Guys who are good at something, that really is often so hot. Confidence can be attractive if it’s the kind that is not brash or cocky, some guys are just self-accepting in a way that lets them be accepting of other people, if that makes sense. That kind of confidence is comfortable, it puts people at ease.
Oh I completely agree! I think “competence” is a good source of confidence as it is so independent of so much other stuff. the brash or cocky level of confidence seems fake to me. So when I talk about confidence, I mean self-acceptance and self-appreciation.